And a frozen pizza.
Oooh, and paper towels.
And some juice boxes…
As I cruised down one of the aisles, I noticed that some of the granola bars were on sale AND you got a Target gift card if you bought five boxes. While I stood there looking at the display and choosing which flavors I wanted, a woman came up to me and began to inspect the contents of my cart.
She was probably in her early to mid 60’s. She had on a cute little outfit with coordinating jewelry and her make-up was nicely done. A sharp contrast to my jeans & t-shirt, lack of make-up and my ratty looking pony tail… (My point? I probably wouldn’t have struck up a conversation with me.)
Lady peered into my cart as if she would be quizzed on the contents later on. Lady looked from my cart to the display and back again. “Are these good?” she asked, indicating the box of Quaker Chewy Granola Bars in my cart. I explained to her that they are a bit on the sweet-side for me, but I was buying them for school lunches and my boys like them quite a bit.
I let her know that my personal favorite were the Fiber One bars with anti-oxidents.
Lady: “Oh! So they make you go potty?”
Me: “Well, no…. they are made with fiber, not with Ex-Lax….”
Lady: “My son is going on an airplane trip tomorrow morning and I want to get him some snacks for the plane. I don’t want him to need to go to the bathroom on the plane.”
Lady proceeds to ask my opinion about every other brand and variety of granola or cereal bar on the shelf, including Pop-Tarts. I give her my opinions. I suggest flavors and brands that are good, but when she repeatedly asks me for one that I like I repeatedly answer that I like the Fiber One bars.
Lady wonders if her son will get peanuts or other snacks on the plane. I joke about checked luggage needing to buy its own ticket these days and the cutbacks in on-board service. “I don’t want him to be hungry.” she says.
Me: “Um, ma’am, uh, how old is your son…?”
Now this is dangerous territory.
I want to say “Based on how you look, I’d guess he’s in his 40’s; but, based on how you’re acting, I’d guess he’s 8 or 9…”
Fortunately, she answers her own question. Her son is 43.
She switches back to her concerns about the Fiber One bars and the lightning fast poo poo she thinks they will produce. “I just don’t want those kicking in on the plane.” I ask her how long his flight is. She tells me that it’s about 7 hours.
Lady: “Yep, he’s leaving out of Los Angeles tomorrow morning around 9:00 and gets in to Missouri about 3:30, so about 7 hours…”
Me: (Still hung up on the fact that she thinks a Fiber One bar will produce insta-poop) “Is it a direct flight?”
Me: “Oh, well gosh, it’s about a 5 and a half hour flight from L.A. to New York, so Missouri is probably only about 4 hours or so.”
Lady: “No, it’s a 7 hour flight. He leaves at 9:00 and gets in at 3:30.”
Me: “Missouri is 2 hours ahead of California, so it’s really only like 4 and a half hours.”
Lady: “Yes, but 9 to 3:30 is 7 hours.”
(It is at this moment that I begin to realize I am dealing with Looney McSlowbrain from the Tribe of Stubborness. Does that stop me from continuing down this wacky rabbit hole of time travel? Of course not.)
Me: “But the actual travel time is probably just over 4 hours or so.”
Lady: “Yes, but he leaves at 9 and gets there just after 3:30…”
Me: “I know, but that is due to the time change. In reality, he will only be on the airplane for about 4 hours.”
Lady: “He leaves at 9 and gets there at 3:30. That’s 7 hours.”
Me: “Yes, but that’s just because he’ll land at local Missouri time, and he’ll just set his watch ahead two hours.”
Lady: “Well, yes I know he’ll have to change his watch. I just don’t want him to go without a snack that long, and I don’t want to give him those fiber bars, because, you know… “
I open my mouth to respond.
Then close it.
I open it.
I’m sure I look like a fish out of water, gasping and flopping on the dock. I just have no response for this.
“You know what, Ma’am? I bet the Quaker Chewy Bars are the perfect snack after all.”