Friday Night Follies (Authors, Chardonnay and Choking Hazards)

I saw Jen Lancaster on Friday night!!! Yes! THE Jen Lancaster!

She is the incredibly funny, acerbic wit behind:

BITTER IS THE NEW BLACK – Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG ASS – A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl’s Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?

SUCH A PRETTY FAT – One Narcissist’s Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass LookBig, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer

She was at my local Barnes and Noble, doing a reading, Q&A and book signing to promote her 4th book:

PRETTY IN PLAID -A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart Ass Phase

I desperately wanted a girlfriend or two to go with me. Here was the problem: Friday night was the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend. (Also, it appears that I am the only one of us who is rabid enough about this author to convince their husbands to leave Saturday morning instead…)

When I couldn’t get any of my girlfriends to go with me, I called Handsome Hubby at work on Friday afternoon. “Honeeeey…..? Wanna go with me to this book signing….?” He laughed and said of course he would. (Such a prince, my man.) I told him it started at 7:00 so we should probably be out of there by 7:45 or 8:00 or so.

Did I mention that I’ve never actually been to a book signing before? I’m an avid reader, but there really hasn’t been another author that I felt compelled to follow like groupie. I thought a signing would be an author behind a desk, with people lined up to get their books signed, say hello, and then away they go…

Did you see Borat?

You know the scenes where he goes to Pamela Anderson’s book signing? I figured I’d just throw Jen Lancaster in the wedding sack and be on my way.

When we arrived at the shopping center, HH was kind of laughing at me because I was pretty much speed walking through the parking lot. It started at 7:00 and it was about 5 minutes ’til, but I didn’t know if it would be like an Open House, if there was a line, whatever. I should have gotten there early, but just couldn’t swing it. Walking into Barnes & Noble, I was amazed and relieved: No line. I didn’t see one anywhere. Woot!

My imagination, fueled by hope, began to run wild:

Maybe no one else was hip to her but me! Maybe we’d chat and she’d tell me funny stories and I’d laugh and she would enjoy talking with me so much that we would grab a drink after her signing! (I mean, she’s in a strange town – she’s a Chicago Girl – and this signing thingy would probably be over by 8:00 – 8:30 tops, right….!?)

“Ma’am? Ma’am? Are you here for the book signing?”

I turn to see two store employees, handing out wrist bands. Hot pink. Mine has the letter “E” on it.

E Ticket? Those were always good. (Some of you youngsters won’t remember that phrase, but it was Disneylandese, and it meant really good.)

E is the 5th letter of the alphabet – that’s near the beginning – that’s good….

E for expedited….?

We’re directed upstairs.

Upstairs is jam-packed. There are rows and rows of chairs, all with bodies in them. I find out later that these people had the “A” wristbands. There is no where to sit. There is no way to stand and be able to see her when she is talking. I consider climbing on top of one of the bookshelves and scoring myself a balcony perch, but quickly discard that idea when I remember I am at Barnes & Noble, not the House Of Blues.

Handsome Hubby and I try to find a good spot and can’t. I decide I’m going to circle around to the front and see if I can wiggle in anywhere. Score! Hubs says he is going to cruise around and look at the books. He says he may not see Jen Lancaster but he’ll be able to hear her and he’ll find his own spot. At that point, as long as I got to see and hear, I was OK with everything else.

Ignoring the people milling around, I scooch down in the front and grab myself some floor right near the podium. By the time she arrives, even though I am slightly behind her, I can see and hear just great. And I’m sitting with a bookshelf for a backrest, so I’m actually kind of comfortable.
jen lancaster at Barnes and Noble

She came dressed in her ’80s themed finery and did a short reading (the Lobster chapter from her new book) and then took questions. The reading was humorous, but the answers she gave to our questions were hilarious. That girl is quick witted!

I tried to film a bit of it with my camera, but in my excitement, I forgot that when I’m in “recording mode” I can’t turn the camera sideways for a better angle. Steven Spielberg, I am not. (Quentin Tarantino, maybe…?)

Hubs made his way over to me halfway through the Q & A. He was pretty entertained as well. I heard him laughing right along with everyone else. By the time she said she needed to wrap up the questions so she could get to the signing, I was surprised to find it was already a little after 8:00. So much for just throwing her in a wedding sack and leaving. (My hopes for drinks afterward had been dashed upon reaching the top of the escalator.)

Do you know what the wristbands were for? Your place in line to get your book signed. I was in Group E – Group D was the last one. Now given the fact that I had asked my Handsome Hubby to come with me, that I told him we should be done with all this fairly quickly, and it was now crystal clear that it won’t be my turn for at least another hour…. I would have considered just bailing at that point. Never mind! I’ll just see her on the next tour…

But here’s the thing: She made two stops in the Bay Area last year, but didn’t come to Southern California at all. Who knows when I’d get another chance to see her.

You know who definitely isn’t going to get a chance to see her ? Connie from The Young and the Relentless. She is a huge fan too, but she lives in Utah…. not scheduled for a stop on this tour. I promised Connie that if she mailed her book to me, I would get it signed for her and mail it back. So I for sure couldn’t cut out early!

We snagged a couple of the A Group’s vacated chairs and waited. Handsome Hubby picked up some new reading material for himself… “Pacific Coast Mammals” where every. single. mammal. living on this coast is identified, along with a realistic sketch of the animal, its footprints and its poop. That’s right. Poop. I asked him if he wanted Jen Lancaster to sign that one.

(These post-it notes freaked me out when the line was first forming. I did not have post-it notes! I brought my books from home! Did they think I bought my books here? Oh God! Do they think I stole them if there’s no post-it!? There was much clawing at my face and wailing before one of the employees assured me that it was only to expedite the signing process. The author needs to know how to spell the book owner’s name… Oh. Well, I’m OK then.)

HH went to grab a quick snack, but I was able to people watch (how stinkin’ cute are this girl’s giraffe print sling-backs?!?)

and I had an uninterrupted hour or so to read. Wow.

(At one point, having grown tired of the Poop Book, Handsome Hubby picked up Bitter Is The New Black and was thumbing through it and laughing…)

When it was my turn to have the books signed, I was able to show Jen Lancaster a picture of Connie and her sister that had been featured on her blog. (Please go here to check it out.)

It was great for me, since I was able to have something to say other than “I’mAHugeFanAndILoveYourBooks!!!” (or something equally witty and original) all in one, big, spit-while-I-talk, breath when I finally got up there. It was win-win, both for me and for Connie.

And a bonus at this signing? Danny from Dad Gone Mad was there. He knows Jen through the These Writers Are Amazing and a Huge Deal Blog Association (TWAAHDBA) and lives in the area. I got to say hello to him, too. I haven’t found too many funny blogs about family, life, etc from a man’s point of view. (But then, I don’t get out much.)

By the time we left it was after 9:30. I was famished. HH decided to completely make my evening and took me out for a quick date at a local wine bar.

A few blocks from the beach, lovely lighting and decor, amazing food (braised short rib sliders with caramelized onions and Gruyere cheese, served with Truffle Oil and Parmesan homemade chips? Hellloooo!) and a nice Chalk Hill Chardonnay by the glass. Perfect.

HH and I are about to settle in for our little impromptu date, when my phone rings. I can see from my caller ID that “Home” is calling. That is never good.

I answer. It’s Conner. He is practically in tears.
C: “Mom? I think there’s something lodged in my throat.”
Me: “Well, Conner, the fact that you can breathe and talk means you are not choking.”
C: “But I think maybe it’s pizza and it’s lodged in there.”
Me: “Just relax. You’re OK, you’re not choking. You can breathe.”
C: “Should I try to hit myself on the back or something?”
Me: “Do NOT try to do that. You’re fine, just relax…”

At this point, HH can figure out what’s up by my end of the conversation and we are both cracking up. I am trying to soothe my frightened child while I am laughing at him. (Mother of the Year, I know…)

You see, every single night at dinner, for the past 10 years or so, Conner hears us tell him “Hey! That is waaaay too big of a bite!” or “Slow down!” or “Chew your food!” Watching this kid eat is sort of like watching a snake try to swallow a goat. You’d think he had a long and traumatic history with having his food yanked away from him before he got to eat any. We don’t understand why he does this, but each member of our family really should be trained for the Heimlich Manuever.

We got him calmed down. We enjoyed our late night snack and drink. We talked about our evening, our kids, the funny things that happen. While it would have been fun to have a drink with Jen Lancaster, I am confident that I will always be surrounded by plenty of funny.

Comments

Centsational Girl says

May 26, 2009 at 5:23 AM

I absolutely cherish these kinds of reads where your belly aches from laughter because the writer is just that funny. Thanks for reminding me of this great author !

Funnyrunner says

May 26, 2009 at 1:24 PM

cool. I’ve never heard of her but she sounds great. LOVE her outfit!

Alex the Girl says

May 26, 2009 at 1:47 PM

I truly enjoyed reading this post. Aside from the fact that I’d probably stretch your shoes out, I can so see me doing the same exact thing. I don’t know, it even creates the desire in me to go out and write some fantastical witty novel. Seriously!

mama-face says

May 26, 2009 at 2:15 PM

Your excitement was palpable. I felt as if I were there. And if you are talking about the southern bay area i could’ve been.

And you said nothing about the plaid pants? That surprises me for some reason.

One more random thought…if I looked like you I would post pictures of me with every post possible. 😉

MiMi says

May 26, 2009 at 3:58 PM

I was surprised about no comment on the plaid pants too! But, you said it WAS 80’s theme, so we’ll let it go. : ) Next time, I’ll go with you! Yes, I’ll drive 1,000 miles to stand in a line FOREVER to see an author. I love writers, they’re like rockstars in my book! Sounds like you had great fun, I’m jealous. This author is at the very tippy top of my list to read after seeing your props to her in other posts!
She should pay you for advertising…
Macey

Connie Weiss says

May 26, 2009 at 4:13 PM

First of all…Thank you so much for having that book signed for me! You Rock! You are now a part of me stalking Jen by association. My sister had her sign a copy of Bitter the week before in Dallas. LOL!

I love that your hubby went with you and that you got a little date night in. That slider sounds awesome! Why can’t I get food like that in Utah?

If I could have been there…we could have gotten her in the Wedding Sack!

Xazmin says

May 26, 2009 at 8:20 PM

I’m glad you got to meet her, even if it wasn’t exactly how you imagined!

And taking Connie’s book…you’re such a good friend!!

I’ve never read anything of hers, but I trust you and Connie, so, I probably should check her out!

Becca @ The Texas Darlings says

May 26, 2009 at 8:26 PM

I imagine that the way these books read is similar to the wit and LOL-humor I find in your posts. Am I right?? I will have to check her out and let you know. In fact, I am going to hop on over to Amazon right now to order- which one do you suggest I get first???

~Becca

heidi says

May 26, 2009 at 9:19 PM

*squeal! I love meeting authors. ONce I blogged about an author and she commented and then sent me an advanced SIGNED copy of her new book. Then I blogged about it again, about 6 years later and she commented AGAIN and did a Friday Freebie for me. How cool is THAT?

Anyway – SO funny that you mention Jen Lancaster because I *Just* picked up my first of her books and it’s sitting on my shelf to read. It looks Hilarious and I can’t wait to get to it!

And it sounds like you had a good evening. 🙂

Krystyn says

May 27, 2009 at 3:48 PM

How fun! I haven’t read her most recent book, but the others were hilarious.