It’s my birthday today. I thought I would tell you about a gift that I recently received… an unlikely friendship with my husband’s ex-wife.
Sounds strange, right? Let me explain.
Just over 6 months ago my 15 year old step-son, Mitch, was in a horrific accident. While he was riding his bike home from school, he was hit and then run over by a truck. It is a flat out miracle that he wasn’t killed. After a few weeks in the hospital, he was confined to a hospital bed at home in order for his multiple fractures to heal.
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| Mitch’s bike after the accident. |
Here’s where I need to give you a little blended family background:
Mitch has pretty much divided his time equally between our two households, alternating weekly. Handsome Hubby and Mitch’s mom, Michelle, split up when Mitch was just over a year old. Divorce is never pretty, but HH and Michelle were pretty amicable through the process and worked together to parent Mitch. He was almost 5 when HH and I got married. I thought Michelle was nice enough. Sitting side by side at soccer and baseball games was pleasant and we usually had something to chat about, but there always a little bit of underlying tension. On occasion there would be a parenting issue that would come up, or there would be a misunderstanding and people would get twisty, but by and large everyone got along. HH always described the situation as “Mitch has one big family, and they happen to live in two different houses.” We all did our best to make that description work, but sometimes it felt like lip service.
Michelle and I worked together to handle schedules and activities for Mitch. She had a very busy full time job, and I stayed home. (And as any mother will tell you, the term “working mother” is redundant.) There would be times when Michelle and I got along great, and there would be times when we didn’t.
There were times when she would send me an email and I would find myself gritting my teeth, irritated before I even opened it to read what she had to say.
There were times when I felt taken advantage of, unfairly judged or had my words twisted and my intentions questioned.
There were times when I just knew that she had it totally easy and I was doing all of the heavy lifting and dirty-work when it came to school work, or the crappy parenting issues and they got to be The Fun Parents.
There were times when it seemed to me that she was defensive no matter what, and that it was a competition, not co-parenting.
You know what? For every “there were times” moment that Michelle created for me, I am positive that I created the exact same thing for her.
Since I am one of those Stress Monkeys who can get physically ill if there is too much stress in my life, over the years one of my ongoing prayer requests has been to “get along with Michelle.” However, I always assumed that if God answered that prayer, He would simply make her nicer. (Poof! Presto-change-o!) It didn’t occur to me that I had some changing to do in my own heart. (Or if it did, I squashed out the sound of that quiet voice by just complaining more loudly.)
The weeks leading up to Mitch’s accident were not harmonious ones. Busy schedules, holiday misunderstandings and other mundane things built up a huge amount of tension for us all. Mitch was aware of it, too, and I think that was one of the first times in his life that he could really tell there was tension between the households.
The few days prior to Mitch’s accident felt downright contentious. It was very stressful, and I had been bitching and grumbling about things she did or didn’t do… now I have to do it… wah-wah-wah. Then came the call that no parent ever wants to receive: “M’am? Your child has been in an accident…”
And everything started to change.
The first few days at the hospital were a blur and incredibly stressful for everyone, but the mere fact that Mitch was alive provided perspective. We were so grateful that we were dealing with doctors, surgeons and physical therapists, instead of meeting with the mortician and planning a funeral.
I told you that getting along with Michelle had been one of my ongoing prayer requests. Don’t think that I didn’t hear God gently telling me, “You know, I’d like you to soften your heart towards her…” I would argue with Him and explain why I was justified in being irritated. I would resist, and reason, and do all sorts of things to avoid doing what He was asking of me: which was to treat her like a sister.
God’s answer to my resistance? He dropped her in my lap for 6 weeks.
Mitch’s prognosis was for a full recovery, but he would need to be immobilized for 6 weeks while his many fractures healed. What did that mean? It meant a rented hospital bed at our house, because we live in a one story and Michelle’s place has stairs. What else did that mean? It meant that there would be no switching back and forth between houses. It meant that my husband’s ex-wife was going to practically be here 24/7 to help care for Mitch/spend time with him. It meant that I would be walking on eggshells for 6 weeks so as not to upset her or make the situation even more tense than it already was! It meant that I would be hyperventilating into a paper bag.
I knew this was going to be tough for me. Then it dawned on me that she was probably breathing into a paper bag as well.
Michelle and I were working together to coordinate with the medical equipment deliveries, learn how to move Mitch from his bed to the wheelchair, from the wheelchair to the commode, clean him up, schedule physical therapy, and coordinate with the school district to get private tutoring due to all the school he’d be missing… but we hadn’t really talked about how this was all actually going to work.
I vented and poured out my heart to HH, to my mom and to my BFF. I shared my stress, my fears and my certainty that God had a purpose here (and that I was dreading it). They listened, reassured me, and promised to tell me if my stress-induced eye-twitching started up again. But my BFF had some sage advice too. She told me that whenever she had a task she didn’t want to do, or had to work with/for a person she didn’t like, she would say, “OK God, I am not doing this for them, I am doing it for You.”
That hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I decided my goal was to make sure that Michelle felt comfortable in our home… because how weird must it be to have to hang out in your ex’s home, with his family and his current wife, and to be worried about your child and out of your element.
We worked out a schedule where Michelle would come in the morning, make Mitch breakfast and do his physical therapy with him. I got to keep up my morning workouts and she got time alone with Mitch. I showed her where everything was, asked her to make herself at home and tried to give her space when she was here as best I could. Since I work from home, sometimes that was tough, but I made arrangements for our family to eat out at least one night a week so that she could cook and prepare a family dinner for just their family…
As the first days turned into weeks, it became more and more comfortable. She loosened up, I loosened up… we did a couple of workouts together, then I took her to one of the classes I take and she loved it, signed up and that became something we did together. We started to confide in each other, had dinners together as a BIG family. (A week after Mitch came home from the hospital Michelle’s husband broke his arm in a snowboarding accident and had to have surgery! Poor woman! It was raining broken bones! We went through 7 bottles of wine at that family dinner.) Grant and their young daughter started playing together more and more often. Spending time together was pleasant.
What do I think happened…? I think she observed us in our natural habitat, so to speak, and saw that we were a loving family… that Mitch had nice brothers who love him, a set of parents who only have the best intentions for him, and that there were no underhanded or sneaky plots going on. She softened towards me and I had the opportunity to see her as a person, and a nice one at that. She wasn’t my arch nemesis, rubbing her hands together with glee and figuring out ways to torture me… she was just like me, a mom trying to keep all of those plates spinning without dropping any. We have a lot in common.
As the week approached where Mitch was well enough to be able to go back to Michelle’s, we went for a walk/run workout together. I felt like I was trying to work up the courage to ask her to the prom or something, but I knew we had to talk about the “what next?” once we got back onto our normal schedule. I basically proposed that we should try to see each other at least once a month for a glass of wine or coffee, so that we could continue to bolster this new idea of being friends. We talked about how each of us had misconceptions about and been hurt by/mad at the other, and we agreed to just move forward without trying to air any old grievances… a clean slate.
Guess what? We get together more than once a month. I think I see her about once a week and I text and talk to her several times a week. You know why? Because I miss her if I don’t.
What kind of craziness is that?! It’s a good kind of crazy, I will tell you that much. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am lighter and happier than I have been in years. To not have that stress has been a blessing to my physical and mental health, my home life, and to my marriage, and I am pretty sure that she feels the exact same way.
To call this a “blessing” is kind of an understatement. A friendship with Michelle is such a fantastical concept that I wouldn’t have even prayed for it. Moreover, I don’t know that back then I would have even wanted this. It sounds pretty weird, right? But that’s where I am confident that God is moving things into His plans. I’ve often heard people quote scripture where they will say, “God will grant you the desires of your heart!” As if God is a genie in a lamp and will do your bidding. I looked up that scripture (Psalm 37:4, if you’re interested) The full verse is:
“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
I feel like once I stopped fighting God and started listening to Him, I did get the desires of my heart… not because I got what I wanted, but because I grew to desire what God wanted for me. Can you appreciate the difference?
We even took a vacation together over Memorial Weekend. We went camping and we had a great time. It was really fun. Some people are weirded out because they imagine there is underlying jealously, or it’s uncomfortable for HH and Michelle to be near each other. Not at all. Everyone is happily married to the person who is perfect for them.
People have been asking how Mitch is doing. He is doing great. He has been cleared to run and surf again. He started cross country practices last night and went surfing last weekend. We expect he will get clearance to get back on a bike or a skateboard very soon.
I think Mitch is doing better mentally and emotionally than he ever has… because he now really does have one big happy family, who happen to live in two different houses. When I have told people how things have been going, and about this amazing little miracle of my friendship with Michelle, I watch people get goosebumps, tear up and see jaws drop in amazement. It’s powerful stuff, I think, and why I wanted to share it with all of you. I asked Michelle about sharing this story, and wanted to make sure she was comfortable with it. I have her blessing to do so, and we both think that maybe it can spark a little hope that it is possible to have a better blended family.
When bad things happen, people shake their fists at the heavens and shout WHY!? to God. I don’t necessarily believe that God causes bad things to happen, but I do believe that all things can be used for good, somehow, somewhere, according to His purpose.
Mitch was run over by a truck. Definitely bad. But through that bad, we have a more harmonious blended family, less stress, an unlikely (but now treasured) friendship, renewed and grateful hearts, and further evidence that with God, anything is possible.
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Happy, Happy Birthday to you!! And what an awesome story … it sounds like the whole situation is a true gift for everyone in the BIG family. 🙂
I at first thought, weird. But then as I continued to read, I realized why not? How fabulous it would be if all blended families could be like this. Glad your son is better. 🙂
Great article. I too am friends with my husbands ex. We agreed 15+ years ago to all get along for everyone's sake. We spend birthdays and major holidays together along with sporting events, etc. over the years. I had a lot of people think it was weird for a long time but it has worked out great for everyone!! I wouldn't have it any other way…
I needed this story. My husband is pushing me to be close with his ex for their son’s sake. We have been married for a few months only. I love a God, him and I’m tired of stressing over this. I pray I can do what you have done and become one big blended family.
Are you sure they are divorced . Men lie sometimes , like my soon to be x husband. He telling everyone him and his new girlfriend are married but I haven’t seen anything divorce papers or gone to court to get the divorce . Now that HIV positive he wants me to take him back . Just be sure and yes they can fake divorce papers. . If you have his x wife number call and get her side of the story .
I am guessing that you did not actually read this post… And that you’ve totally missed the point.
What a great story!! We have a blended family. My step daughters Mom isn't in the picture at all. I wish my ex and my husband could get along this well. It's been five years but my ex still tells our children how he loves me so I don't see that happening any time soon.
What a lovely post. God works in His time, not ours and that's a hard lesson to learn, but I'm so glad. What a wonderful gift!!! Thanks for sharing and I'll lift your family up in prayer.
Happy Birthday Viv. That is, truly, the greatest gift you received for your birthday, on top of Mitch being ok of course. I'm crying tears of joy for you and Michelle right now. Big hugs!!
Wow, this was a really great read. I'm so happy for you guys!
What an fantastic post, Vivienne. I am so happy for you and your extended, blended family.
We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Yes! YES!!! Bravo!!!! This is how God works!
So many people read the commands of God and think they're irrelevant because they seem impossible. What they don't realize is that God wants to change us into the kind of people who will do those seemingly impossible things. Actually, they WOULD be impossible without God–but with Him, nothing is impossible.
Even for people who don't believe in God, here's the truth:
Without God = Nothing is possible.
With God = Nothing is impossible.
Thank you for sharing your story–a living, breathing, wonderful example!!
Love it… love how God takes those horrible situations and even in those He creates good.
What a fabulous story and testament to God! the children are so lucky to have a big, happy family who love them. Congrats on your birthday and new friendship.
What a great story Viv, I really enjoyed reading it. Glad everything is working out – what a testimony to God and what He can do through us when we stop being stubborn! 😉
Wow, Viv!! I love this story! So amazing! I'm so happy for you and your whole BIG family! 😉
My sweet friend, may God bless you for sharing this very personal story. I just continue to be amazed by you. You are without a doubt one of the most beautiful people (on both the inside and the outside) that I have ever met. You serve as a great example of what can be. Maybe someday? I love your guts. Thanks for sharing.
Great post! I'm glad you were able to let God guide you though this! He never gives us more than we can handle! I'm so glad that Mitch is well again! Blessings, Tammy
This gave me goosebumps. How wonderful for Mitch that you and Michelle have a harmonious and friendly relationship. My parents divorced when I was 19, but through my father's 2 subsequent marriages they remained friendly and it was such a gift for me, my brother and our kids. So happy Mitch is doing so well!
Happy birthday!
What an awesome story, Viv! I can't tell you how many times I've had, um, issues with someone and wished that THEY would change. A great reminder that sometimes God wants us to work on our own hearts. Great post…I shared something really personal on my blog today too, so I know it's hard to put yourself out there!!
This is such an amazing story! I am so happy for you and completely inspired by your awesome attitude and your heart. What a relief and blessing it must be to not be stressed out by your relationship. You are such a great example. 🙂
I value your courage to share such a personal story. And I look up to you for being so open and willing to soften your heart. I am so glad you wrote this post and that you two are friends. I think it will give other hope or maybe the desire to ask for what you did. Love you!
Wow what a wonderful and powerful post. You wrote about the whole experience so well. It's such a good reminder of all the little things we all tend to think about each other (altho the ex-wife and current wife relationship would probably be the toughest). How cool that you and Michelle are truly friends!
Tears..literally..tears. Being in a VERY similar situation, maybe there's hope 'someday' for me too. Thanks for pouring out your heart! So happy Mitch is better and God bless your beautiful and 'bigger' family!
Barbara (Chase the Star)
Good for you. My six year old was sitting on my lap as I read this and asked why the ladies in the picture have the same hair, the same face, and the same glass (but different dresses!). I just said they're like sisters.
Viv–thanks for sharing both this story and your birthday cards from the boys! What an awesome example of how being a blended family can work.
Happy Birthday! 🙂
Wow!! What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing it! Your transparency is refreshing!
I second what Tauni said. You amaze me. I am crying, in public. Catching up on blogs. I firmly believe when we learn to align our desires with God's desire for us, the world changes for the better. What an amazing story, but then I am not surprised it is your story. Sine day I will give you a huge hug in person. I just adore you.
What a great story. My ex remarried, and so did I. We have two daughters from my first marriage. All four of us coparent, and not ex and his wife have two babies of their own. Molly and I speak and text daily. The four of us have coparenting meetings, co-birthday parties, and Molly and i took the girls shopping together recently. We were brought closer together last year, after someone hurt one of my daughters. I write for Big Blended Family and Her View From Home. It's wonderful to see that we are not the only blended family who get along so well. Thanks for sharing you're story. I'm so glad that Mitch is feeling better!
What a great story. My ex remarried, and so did I. We have two daughters from my first marriage. All four of us coparent, and not ex and his wife have two babies of their own. Molly and I speak and text daily. The four of us have coparenting meetings, co-birthday parties, and Molly and i took the girls shopping together recently. We were brought closer together last year, after someone hurt one of my daughters. I write for Big Blended Family and Her View From Home. It's wonderful to see that we are not the only blended family who get along so well. Thanks for sharing you're story. I'm so glad that Mitch is feeling better!
Thanks again for this, Viv. I featured you on today's Grace at Home party! 🙂
I can only imagine how tough it must be to get along with an ex wife (in some instances). But this is a beautifully written on how God can work out any painful situation. I really loved this and know it must encourage so many who are in the same circumstance.
What an incredible story, Vivienne! You can add my name to the list of people who got goosebumps and teared up at this new friendship and the overall message that good can come from bad. Best to you and your whole harmonious family!
Hello, just wanted to say, I loved this article. It
was inspiring. Keep on posting!
Happy Birthday, and such a profound post. Touched me straight at my heart and will definitely be on my mind all day. Thank you for sharing you story!
Wow! This is beautiful- I’m totally crying while reading it. Your story has definitely touched my heart. xoxo
Thanks for reading, Laurie. It means a lot to me. xo
Thank you for your honesty in this post. I know this was very hard and emotional to overcome but look at the wonderful results. You give me hope for the future. So glad that you have a new friend and Mitch has a bigger better family.
Viv I have so much to be thankful for.I have two daughters who worked side by side to bring my wonderful grandson Mitch back to where he is today.I saw with my own eyes the loving care both of you were doing to make the process work.I care for you the boy and that HH man of yours.
God Bless You All. Grandpa Tony
Aw! Thank you, Grandpa Tony. It’s been an amazing and blessed journey.
I always say that there is a reason for everything..and some of the best prayers are unanswered prayers. During the worst time in my life, I prayed for God to get me out of it, to fix the situations that I found myself in, and he did not. But because he did not I am in the very best place in my life now with a husband I dearly love. If one small thing had changed, had I not had those misfortunes and if God had ‘fixed’ everything like I asked then I would not have met my husband nor be living the life I am now. I know that everything happens as it should…good, and bad. That is why we have to have faith..and trust. I am so happy things turned out well for you and yours.. God is good.
Thanks for your comment Jamie. I totally agree! If God had done what I asked, when I asked for it, I wouldn’t have the blessings I have today! 🙂
Wow! I came on your site to learn about cleaning my stove grates, and got so much more.
Thank you, for your beautiful story. God turned a scary and stressful time, into a healing for both families. God is good, and it is so wonderful how He has worked in your lives.
Thank you Pat! I am so glad you liked it! It’s been a total blessing and a daily reminder of how good God is!
I’m sorry, but to rejoice over this dysfunctional situation as if it were a miracle of Divine Grace is a delusion. Viv would have better advised to find another place for Mitch to stay during his recovery. While an ex-spouse and current spouse should remain as civil to each other as possible in this type of situation, friendship between them should be discouraged at all costs. Remarriages after divorce are an abomination, and send a false message that divorce isn’t so bad. This so called “friendship” between Viv and Michelle only serves to reinforce that false message.
Teejay, thank you for your comment, but I can’t even for one moment give any weight to your argument. The number one direction that Jesus gave us was to “love one another.”… including our “enemies”. Divorces happen… You are saying that it is better to fight like cats and dogs, or to encourage animosity though thinly veiled or feigned civility, rather than accept the gift of friendship, borne of what could have been very tragic circumstances. That is ridiculous. All of our lives are better because of this. Thank you to God.
I love this story. My parents were divorced and remarried when I was young. My father recently passed away and the sheer amount of animosity and anguish that three of my four parents caused for my siblings and i throughout our lives is so disgusting to me. There was never shared anything. My dad did not participate in anything in our lives. I had a good relationship with him over the years and leading up to his passing, but when he passed I realized i had mourned him long ago. the fact that your kids will never know this is so awesome…good job to both of you moms!
Thank you, Tracy. I am sorry that you had such a negative experience. 🙁
I too became friends with my husbands ex girlfriend. They were never married but have a son who is now 12. she has sole custody, (since there was no marriage) but pretty much split parenting time between our houses. it started off very rocky and she and i were not friends. then we bonded over an incident she went through that i had much experience in and it grew from there. we all go to the same church and of course attend my stepsons sport activities. we became fast friends and started doing lunch, dinner, happy hour, shopping, movies…you name it. she became my best friend. everyone said it would blow up but we got along so well and my husband was fine with it. it made things so much better for all of us and definitely for hayden, my step son.
but it did blow up. she had been harboring negative feelings about me for a while that all came out like a volcano erupting just this past weekend. it started over a misunderstanding about splitting gas money on an out of town soccer tournament. it hurts so bad because now i feel she was fake and never really my friend. she benefited a lot from our friendship because i supported her in every way….i even used 4 vacation days this may to live with her and care for her for a week after she had major surgery!!
it is very unfortunate because it appears she has taken the ‘breakup’ of our friendship so hard it has very negatively affected my stepson and he now wants to live with us. and….she is fine with giving up her son. i think now there are a lot of underlying inner conflict issues she has and needs to deal with.
it was awesome while it lasted and honestly, i miss my best friend and my heart just hurts. but i just don’t think we will ever ever be the same again. i know being friends with the ex wife can happen but it is a slippery slope. tread lightly.
Hi Jamie, I am sorry that you and your friend are in this position. It always hurts to lose a friend, but being friends with anyone (ex-wife or not), in any relationship, has potential to come to an end or have hurt feelings. That isn’t something exclusive to a relationship with a tricky dynamic. I pray your relationship heals and that you two can mend fences, particularly for Hayden’s sake.
What a great story. I cried reading this because it is so sweet and full of mercy and grace. A true God read.
Good Story and I can see my former husbands girlfriend and I being friends but when I think about her with him I want to throw up. the divorce is still pretty raw for me even though its almost 2 years.
That’s rough, Jan. 🙁 There’s no time limit on hurt. Do what you can do and give the rest over to God. (And by “the rest” I mean the hurt, the tears, the bitterness, the anger, etc. All the yucky stuff that comes along with divorces.) We had extraordinary circumstances that set us up in a way that we had no choice to turn it over to God and God took care of us in ways we could not have even imagined.