And a frozen pizza.
Oooh, and paper towels.
And some juice boxes…
As I cruised down one of the aisles, I noticed that some of the granola bars were on sale AND you got a Target gift card if you bought five boxes. While I stood there looking at the display and choosing which flavors I wanted, a woman came up to me and began to inspect the contents of my cart.
She was probably in her early to mid 60’s. She had on a cute little outfit with coordinating jewelry and her make-up was nicely done. A sharp contrast to my jeans & t-shirt, lack of make-up and my ratty looking pony tail… (My point? I probably wouldn’t have struck up a conversation with me.)
Lady peered into my cart as if she would be quizzed on the contents later on. Lady looked from my cart to the display and back again. “Are these good?” she asked, indicating the box of Quaker Chewy Granola Bars in my cart. I explained to her that they are a bit on the sweet-side for me, but I was buying them for school lunches and my boys like them quite a bit.
I let her know that my personal favorite were the Fiber One bars with anti-oxidents.
Lady: “Oh! So they make you go potty?”
Me: “Well, no…. they are made with fiber, not with Ex-Lax….”
Lady: “My son is going on an airplane trip tomorrow morning and I want to get him some snacks for the plane. I don’t want him to need to go to the bathroom on the plane.”
Lady proceeds to ask my opinion about every other brand and variety of granola or cereal bar on the shelf, including Pop-Tarts. I give her my opinions. I suggest flavors and brands that are good, but when she repeatedly asks me for one that I like I repeatedly answer that I like the Fiber One bars.
Lady wonders if her son will get peanuts or other snacks on the plane. I joke about checked luggage needing to buy its own ticket these days and the cutbacks in on-board service. “I don’t want him to be hungry.” she says.
Me: “Um, ma’am, uh, how old is your son…?”
Now this is dangerous territory.
I want to say “Based on how you look, I’d guess he’s in his 40’s; but, based on how you’re acting, I’d guess he’s 8 or 9…”
Fortunately, she answers her own question. Her son is 43.
She switches back to her concerns about the Fiber One bars and the lightning fast poo poo she thinks they will produce. “I just don’t want those kicking in on the plane.” I ask her how long his flight is. She tells me that it’s about 7 hours.
Lady: “Yep, he’s leaving out of Los Angeles tomorrow morning around 9:00 and gets in to Missouri about 3:30, so about 7 hours…”
Me: (Still hung up on the fact that she thinks a Fiber One bar will produce insta-poop) “Is it a direct flight?”
Lady: “Yes.”
Me: “Oh, well gosh, it’s about a 5 and a half hour flight from L.A. to New York, so Missouri is probably only about 4 hours or so.”
Lady: “No, it’s a 7 hour flight. He leaves at 9:00 and gets in at 3:30.”
Me: “Missouri is 2 hours ahead of California, so it’s really only like 4 and a half hours.”
Lady: “Yes, but 9 to 3:30 is 7 hours.”
(It is at this moment that I begin to realize I am dealing with Looney McSlowbrain from the Tribe of Stubborness. Does that stop me from continuing down this wacky rabbit hole of time travel? Of course not.)
Me: “But the actual travel time is probably just over 4 hours or so.”
Lady: “Yes, but he leaves at 9 and gets there just after 3:30…”
Me: “I know, but that is due to the time change. In reality, he will only be on the airplane for about 4 hours.”
Lady: “He leaves at 9 and gets there at 3:30. That’s 7 hours.”
Me: “Yes, but that’s just because he’ll land at local Missouri time, and he’ll just set his watch ahead two hours.”
Lady: “Well, yes I know he’ll have to change his watch. I just don’t want him to go without a snack that long, and I don’t want to give him those fiber bars, because, you know… “
I open my mouth to respond.
Then close it.
I open it.
Close it.
I’m sure I look like a fish out of water, gasping and flopping on the dock. I just have no response for this.
“You know what, Ma’am? I bet the Quaker Chewy Bars are the perfect snack after all.”
Wow, just wow. Your story is the perfect definition of “no good deed goes unpunished.” You try to help and end up almost going crazy in the process. So, did she buy any snacks for her son?
OMG, I wish I could have seen this scene play out in person. Too funny. Glad to know I’m not the only one who goes to Target looking less than fashionable. I actually dread days that I actually HAVE to do my hair in some way OTHER than a ponytail.
giggle.
I can see this playing out perfectly.
~Becca
Oh.my.word. Sometimes you just gotta paste that smile on and nod.
See, you tried harder than I would have. I am so anti confrontational that I would have stopped after she asked about whether they would make him go potty. Perhaps after 43 years, it’s time for her to cut the cord…
OH.MY! I’m a trying hard these days not to be critical of people and not to judge but this story took me there. Did she have on a white jacket?
I’m so proud of you!!! Srsly. You had so many opportunities there and you didn’t really take any of em! LOL
What a dork. The lady, I mean. A cotton head dweeb. Wonder if the poo poo boy lives at home?
No way! That is too much!!! I would have just died and then tried to leave that aisle A.S.A.P. Hilarious.
AH…HAHAHA Oh that was hilarious! What does she think they are doing taking the long way there and the short way back? geez
I probably would have literally smacked my forehead when she said the return flight was shorter.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…
Reason 100 why I love Vivs sassy personality:
Lady: “Oh! So they make you go potty?”
Me: “Well, no…. they are made with fiber, not with Ex-Lax….”
Wow, are you patient! Maybe he won’t need snacks on the short flight back.
You must have looked like the resident granola bar expert.
Looney McSlowbrain …. I’m stealing that 😉
I’m dying over here right now. Best story ever.
OH
MY
GOD
another reason to not interact with the public if at all possible! yeesh!
I am guessing her son is still single and lives in her basement!
This is why I do not make eye contact with strangers!
To quote my friend Debi she’s layers of dumb and stuck on stupid! You have more patience than I my friend!
This is when you want to shake her and shout “for the love of God lady just understand!!!!”
I’m going to echo Elz and just say ‘wow’ 🙂 Great story! btw – the bulletin arrived 2 days ago, thanks so much for sending it my way! Now to craft it up 🙂
Oh my gosh! HOW did you not try to slap some sense into her??
Excuse me, sweetie…couldja tell me; WHICH BARS HAVE GINKO BILOBA????
LOL. Can you imagine being her son??? (well daughter would be more appropriate).
Now, about those bars…how quickly do they act…?
So you’ve met my Aunt Jennie, then?
Oh my H! You’re saving all this material for your book, right?
You are so funny.
Welcome to my world at work. Oh yes. On a daily basis.
My bill was $5 and I paid it why am I getting a bill?
Well sir you paid $5 but have used it again and now you owe $5 more.
No, I paid $5 so I owe nothing.
No sir you have two charges of $5 on your account and you only paid once.
But I paid it.
Yes sir, you paid for one but not the second one.
And this goes on all day long in various forms. Oh and once the interest kicks in on the bill and they call about that you wish you could eat the whole box of Fiber One bars and spend the rest of your life sitting on the crapper.
Well I feel better, thanks. Did I mention how funny you are?
hahahahahaha
ohhhh, my cheeks hurt from laughing…classic one!
HILARIOUS!!!