I’m not checking anyone’s pockets but my own.

I want to renegotiate my laundry contract.
Now.

Doing laundry for boys is tough work. It smells bad and there are often unmentionable stains and things that need stain remover. (Lots and lots of stain remover.)

Doing laundry for boys is usually unappreciated. It requires follow-up to ensure that the folded clothes laid out on the beds of the owners are actually put away and not dumped, still folded, back into the clothes hamper to avoid putting them in the proper drawers. (Or thrown away. True story.)

Even after checking pockets (something I think the owner of the clothing should be responsible for doing) there are certain things that the mothers of boys expect to find in their washing machines at the end of a spin cycle…. Those things would include:

• Hotwheels
• rubber bands for braces
• gum (used and new)
• trading cards
• wrappers from candy they aren’t supposed to be eating while in braces
• iPods
• notes they were supposed to give to their teacher 3 days earlier
• notes their teacher sent home last week
• pens
• spare AA batteries for their Gameboys (I usually don’t find these until they are clanking around in the dryer.)

However, I absolutely, positively, without a doubt draw the line at real Lizards.

Yep.  In my washing machine.

 

This? …Is not OK.  (It is also what lizards look like after 50 minutes in a Whirlpool Duet’s “Normal/Casual” cycle.)
And yes. I did pick it up with my bare hands before I realized what it was. ew.

Now where did I leave my Xanax….?